and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
