Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
