dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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