it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
