I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
