my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
