1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
