there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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