The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
