She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
