You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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