neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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