a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
