rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
