Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
