I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
