I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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