dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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