Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
