My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
