yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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