Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
