I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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