The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
