I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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