neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
