so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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