Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
