Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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