also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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