First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
