if only i could text you this smell
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
