He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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