I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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