my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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