I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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