I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
