Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
