Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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