i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
