I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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