Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
