Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
