sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
