I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
