You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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