I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
