i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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