Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
