Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
